Remembering to regularly attempt a blog post is not my strong point. Oh well.
I managed to survive exams relatively intact (physically at least), so I’m able to relax. Nope.
While I don’t need to overly stress since it’s just a lightening talk, my impending NI Developers Conference talk is making me feel all sorts of emotions. Something I didn’t expect was to be excited at this stage. Surprisingly the crippling anxiety hasn’t kicked in, but when I’m on an up week I constantly have a sense of impending doom.
An axe hanging over my head is how it feels right now, and I’m waiting for a small thing to fuck it all up and decapitate me(which might actually be a blessing, ha!). This talk isn’t a big event, it’s only 8 minutes of my time, but trying something that’s so incredibly far out of my comfort zone is a big event.
So to sum up my short rambling thoughts; excited about talking to a crowd. Fuck.
Some people are good at handling a lot of stress, which is great for them. I think I am one of those people 95% of the time, but the only reason for that is because my default setting is ‘oh shit everything is happening so soon I better get started’. With my assignments and revision I got started straight away. As soon as an assignment was released, I started, because that’s what you’re supposed to do at university. I look around at my class and I’m jealous of the vast majority of them because they are able to start at the last minute and probably still do as well as me.
I’m not smart. I’m not gifted. Code doesn’t just instantly make sense to me. The reason I’m doing well is because I work my ass off but right now it feels like all the work I’ve put in isn’t benefiting me at all. That’s stupid, I know, but I’m not in total control of what my brain is telling me to think. School has always been my unhappy place, where I’ve felt alone and vulnerable. If I go to my tutors and ask for support they will just tell me I’ve taken on too much (which they tried to tell me a few months ago), which might be true but the things I do outside of school do not impact my stress at all. They’re the things that are grounding me and reminding me what I’m working towards. Sitting in an office 9-5 and leaving my work at work is not something I want to do. That’s why I left my call centre job, the bare minimum is not who I want to be.
When my teacher tells me not to work ahead because the class will get left behind, it puts me back into that place where I’m alone and vulnerable. When I get shouted at for taking out my phone to make sure my daughter will be collected from daycare, despite the fact I work so fucking hard in class (and said teacher knows this), it makes me want to leave because what is the point in working so hard just to get treated like a child?
While I’m where I am I’m finding it harder and harder to see where I will end up. This round of chaos will be over in a month but it may as well be a year. I wish this post had a happy ending but it’s so far away from here that I can imagine writing about it.
Well, my first in about 6 years. The only blogs I’ve written were based around mental health, which surprisingly didn’t help me deal with my mental health. Anyway, this blog is about the insane amount of stress I’m feeling right now. It’s f*ing awesome.
3 university assignments coming up and I am embracing my new persona of ‘Ball of Stress’. I have a few moments each day where I panic and think, “Why did I decide to do this?” That’s normal, isn’t it?
The thing I really struggle with is how fake it all seems. I know that what I’m learning is a good foundation for starting out, and everyone has to start somewhere, but I still feel useless in most situations. The only encouragement I’m feeling at the moment is that this time next year school will be over and I’ll be able to progress from ‘code-fetus’ to ‘code-toddler’.